I've been musing on things in my private time, mostly while packing and cleaning and sorting through a lifes worth of goods, paring down for the great move to come to MD. And I've come to wonder why I'm different then many people I know.

Its hard to describe in absolute words, but it seems to come down to an odd form of Bravery mixed with fearlessness, mixed with self assuredness especially of my own opinion. I'm willing to try things other people either wouldn't try, or more importantly, never thought to try. And this manifests in many ways in my life, and has definitely made my life much more rewarding and enjoyable. I can't say how or where I get this, and I'm sure there's people who will think its not a positive, but it is to me, and thats what counts right?

1. Never be afraid to ask for something. Worst you might get told is "No." This is something I do regularly, once I found out about "negotiating" prices for things. I've asked for discounts at Sears and was gladly given them, because I bought something they thought was going to need to be a write off and go unsold. I was happy to get a 40 dollar rain fly for my tent, for 10 bucks, and the manager made 10 bucks on something he was sure they couldn't sell. I asked, and the worst he'd have said was "no" and then I'd decide if it was worth 25.00 they wanted.

Another way this works out well is, when eating out. If i'm asked how I want something, I know how I want it. If I want my baked potato with extra butter and no sour cream, I ask for it exactly that way. I have had friends criticize me for this, but when I asked the waiter, who had just brought me my steak with baked potato exactly how I wanted it, he told my friends "Oh no, I love that she knows what she wants, its the ones who wont' tell you or make you guess that drive me crazy. She knows what she wanted (me) and asked for it, and I could get it right the first time." I note I also tip very well, (20% min, upto 35% just for doing what I ask and doing it well.) when I get what I ask for.

2. Never be afraid to try something. We are born without any clue of what things are like. We taste new foods our parents introduce us to, we try things that are always brand new to us. So why is it, later in life, we forget how to to do this? Why do we not try something and see if we like it, or see if it works for us? Worst case is, you don't like it, or it doesn't work.

I'm weird that I've tried things no one thinks to try. I hated my crooked teeth as a child, and envied and dreamed I had braces to correct them. Then I decided to take some phone wires we had, and make my own. Now I don't have enough of an overbite to need braces...because I corrected my own teeth. No one told me it couldn't' be done, so I tried it and was successful. I didn't know it was unusual to play many musical instruments, I was just trying each one and enjoying them. I play a number of them well enough to make tunes, even difficult ones like flutes and violins, yet never had lessons with any of them, I only took Piano and singing.

I've tried things I read in magazines, especially my mom's nursing magazines. It never occurred to me that I couldn't do them, so I would try them, and succeed. Cooking... No one really taught me, I'm fearless in cooking as well. I will take what I know is in something, like lasagna, and then whip up my own version. And I have common sense as well, only a few times did I start with stewed tomatoes, and tomato paste and tomato sauce, and spice it all up for my lasagna, because I quickly learned, it tasted just like spaghetti sauce. So I'd just make that instead, and save hours of cooking.

Sometimes I just look up a few recipes online and then cobble my own together, like Quiche. Once I figured out the basic Quiche recipe, I added the rest on my own, and estimated how much mix I'd need for the event I cooked 12 of them for...and I had less then enough to make an eggs worth of scramble at the end. I'm not afraid to eat my mistake, or fix them. I try never to mess up so bad I can't eat the mistake, and pretty much it always works out. Just try it, you'll never know you can do it, unless you try.

3. Never believe you can't do something. Corollary to #2: If no one has specifically told me I can't do something, then I believe I can do it. No one told me growing up, that because of my bad bronchitis, I could never be a singer, and should always have trouble breathing. No doctor told me that either, so... blissfully unaware, I sang, and enjoyed it, and took it from 6th grade all the way into college. And it wasn't till years later, sick as a dog, did the first of many doctors now, who have been surprised and even astonished how well I can breathe, despite the bronchitis and the Asthma I've developed. One was very boggled and said over and over, "I can't believe how well you breathe, you shouldn't be able to do that." And he's the first I told "Well no one ever told me I couldn't, so I didn't know. Its a bit too late now, and frankly I'm glad I didn't know, or I wouldn't' be able to breathe now." to a doctor. One thing beautiful about kids, they don't know things can't be done, and they so often exceed expectations because of that... and we all should strive for it.

4. Always be real and true to yourself. Shakespeare said it best, "Above all else, to thine own self, be true". This means don't lie to yourself, you're not going to fool yourself, instead you'll simply defeat yourself. If you can't be honest with yourself, then who can you be honest with? it costs us nothing to love ourselves and respect ourselves, just the willingness to try... You'll be amazed what you can accomplish once you are true to yourself.

Ok enough ramblings, what do you all think?

So my husband has a new job, and with it comes new insurance. That was the good news. The bad news is, its new insurance with a wonky plan. In an ideal year, an individual has a $2,000.00 deductible and the company pays monthly into a Health Care Savings Account (HSA) $1,000.00

However as a couple or family, we get it doubled. Being an individual doesn't matter, the unit of a couple or family, now has a $4,000.00 deductible. No, its NOT $2,000.00 each, with a combined $4,000.00 deductible... No, the Full $4,000.00 has to be met, before we get ANY benefits. And then we get more normal copays, 10% in network, 30% out of network based on in Reasonable & Customary fees.

The "Best" part is... this $4,000.00 Deductible is NOT pro-rated. However the $1,000.00 for each of us, from the employer, deposited into the HSA as an 'offset' of these horribly high deductables... well this contribution IS prorated. So $500, $600 each to offset a full $4,000.00 deductible till we finally get benefits. Yeah not thrilled, but if I need Major Medical... its there.

So it was time for the yearly big exam with my doctor, I loves my doctor BTW, he rocks. We did the huge blood work my Bariatric Surgeon asks for to test Vitamin and many other levels. When I say huge, blood draw, its like 8 vials drawn, the tech says she's never had to draw so many, some need to be kept from light, special handling's, etc...

And while at the doctors, he reviews my test results while we discuss my newest medicine for constipation. My Thyroid level is on the low end of normal, just above the low line. My calcium is also low, just barely above the low line of normal, even though I take Calcium citrate daily. However theres an associated hormone, I think put out by the pituitary gland, that tells the Thyroid to make more hormone. It was high, meaning its essentially screaming at the Thyroid "Make more!!" and the Thyroid is barely listening.

Turns out I have an insufficiency. So now a new pill, Synthroid (well its generic) gets added to my daily meds. Luckily its not too badly priced, and I can stop the Amitiza which is horribly expensive. And my doctor and I redo all my meds, i'm sacrificing my normal meds, ones without even a generic, for older more common ones, where ever possible. Even my Asthma meds.

I have made a spread sheet of all my meds, and checked the following places: Aetna Mail-Away, Sams Club, Wal-Mart, CVS, Drugstore.com, Publix, Walgreens, and Walgreens Rx Savings Club. And the winner is, Sams Club. Without them I'd be lost. And Sam's Club Pharmacy is even less then Walmart, it says 10% savings minimum if its not on the 4 dollar for 30 days, or 10 dollar for 90 days plan. Best part my friends? Sams Club Pharmacy does NOT REQUIRE you to be a member! Yep its open to the public at the discounted prices.

Aetna's own mail away is less on only ONE single prescription out of 8 or 9 I have. IT pays to do your research. And high deductibles suck. I will perhaps, by the end of the year, maybe get a few benefits, and be paid off the deductible... Just in time for a brand new year and a brand new $4,000.00 deductible.

But its something. and if anyone wants help finding the best prices of drugs, lemme know.

A friend of mine has decided to try this Paleo Diet. http://www.thepaleodiet.com/ And asked me to do some cooking for him, in this way. He was a vegetarian, so he's not likely a good meat cook as yet. And he prefers everything well done, and i'm good at that too.

The Paleo Diet strives to have you eat, as our farthest ancestors ate, simple meats, gathered vegetables and fruits. No cultivated grains, sugars, etc. It stresses a good meat intake as well, and as I have experience from my Post Gastric Bypass diet, which is similar to the Atkins, its all good to me as well. The biggest difference is: No Salt.

So heres my break down of what I'm cooking, and with what.

* Turkey Breasts: Onion Powder, Garlic Powder, and Ground Sage.
* Boneless skinless Chicken Breasts: Onion Powder, Garlic Powder, Black Pepper and Curry Powder.
* Tri-Tip Beef: Onion Powder, Garlic Powder, and McCormicks Salt Free Lemon Pepper.
* Pork Loin: Onion Powder, Garlic Powder, and Mojo Crillo marinade.
* Ground Buffalo for Burgers: Onion Powder, Garlic Powder, Black Pepper and Chili Powder.

I happened to have the salt free Lemon Pepper and it doesn't have any salt and no substitute salt as well, he had me check as some "Salt Free" have potassium salts in them instead. And the Mojo Crillo is marinaded only, it has some salt, but its such a good tasting way to eat pork, I asked him and he ok'd this one 'cheat' to the menu. And yes, this is hopefully about a weeks worth of meals for him, in additions to the fruits and limited vegetables.

So it will be good to see how much he enjoys this selection. And best part was, its a trade. I get half the meat (well less in some cases because they are small sizes of meat, or like 6 chicken breasts) in exchange for my hours of prep and packaging. And I get to try buffalo burger! I love the old ways of bartering.

And one bonus for him, is I made a very simple ham, and see if he'd like some. Though it is a salted ham so, he might say no. I'll let him decide when he gets here in a few hours.

Edited: Heres where you can find recipes:

http://www.thepaleodiet.com/nutritional_tools/recipes.shtml

and http://paleofood.com/

Mystique is my cat. She's a Lynx Point Siamese and looks like this: [ http://media.photobucket.com/image/Lynx%20Point%20Siamese/krazyaboutkatz/Pearl/e8bdea72.jpg ] that was given up by her first family. They paid a mint for her, she's purebred. However there was one little problem.

They had a rambunctious 4 year old boy child, who terrorized Mystique.

Mystique came to me, without any whiskers, and traumatized like I've never seen a cat be. She hated being touched at all, and yet, craved affection. She was so horrifically treated, she is still scarred a year later.

I had to force on her, touch, force on her, petting and holdings and keep her at times from fleeing. She hated it, and yet, each step brings her closer to a normal cat. Where she once hid at every sound, she now comes to me. Where she once would run from any touch, she now sometimes hops up and demands touch. She nuzzles my hand now, something she didn't even know how to do before. She even sleeps on my legs at night now too.

And just this past month, she at long last, began rubbing up against legs. Yes, a cat almost 2 years old now.. who had NEVER rubbed up against a persons legs before. This can tell you how traumatized she is. And how confused, so much so to completely sideline hardwired behaviors. I've had feral cats come up and rub against my legs, but never let me touch them... this is the first time I've met a cat who wouldn't rub up against my legs till now.

Her new issue i'm addressing, is her tummy. She is bothered if you touch her tummy. Her chest and under her chin, OMG she loves under her chin being petted and her chest. But go a millimeter too far down, and she squalls, and startles and softly tries to claw at you a bit... but so softly. No Nails extended. No hardness in her 'attack' its just a reaction she's so long had to use, she doesn't seem to know what else to do. But as always I make progress, and found if she's interested in something else, like a treat or food, tummy pettings are accepted, and even liked, she even purred.

All this from a 4 year old hyperactive boy, with a stressed mother, and crazy father...and one poor little kitten, who at least has a chance to live a normal and good life now.

So it was time this month for my yearly health check up. Sounds simple, but really its not quite that simple. Because of my Gastric Bypass, this involves a huge number of blood tests, I think its 7 or 8 vials taken for them all. Its the normal stuff, plus a whole set of vitamin panels, enzymes, etc.
( Test Results behind the cut )

So, the TSH, 3rd Generation being high, is my body (pituitary gland I think) telling my Thyroid to make more Thyroid hormones. It being high means... My thyroid isn't listening or isn't able to make more. The low calciums also tells the tale, its another hypotyroidism symptom. This is why I love my doctor, he really knows his stuff.

So I'm healthy, except for a low functioning Thyroid. And oddly its been causing me a bunch of symptoms I didn't realize or know were related to this one thing, or I would have suspected it before this. Dry Skin (OMG mine is crazy dry) dry hair, thinning hair (yep, yep), tired/lack of energy, even depression (Oh yes all those too) and constipation. (Bane of my existence!) Weight Gain... maybe not so much, actually I did all that losing weight, and it has stopped, and stabilized. Its not as easy to lose weight as it had been, and this is another symptom.

This started as a discussion about Amiteza, a medicine for constipation, and then when my doctor looked over the lab work, and did some tests, thumping, probing my insides for inflammation or abnormalities (the pushing in your lower abdomen) he pointed out that he felt it was actually low thyroid production.

So now I'm going to try Synthroid 75 mcg once a day, like first waking up, before breakfast. And it takes 6 weeks to get a result in the blood, so in 6 weeks we repeat some of these blood tests, and see if its all leveled out. I think this is a good time to get bouncy and energy and maybe lose weight again.

Another thing this could have caused, is low fertility. The only bad side, its another pill I need to take for the rest of my life. But the good side is... I might could lower my Welbutrin back down to 75 mg twice a day, from its current 100mg twice a day. I also expect the need for Amatiza will go away, as well as the softeners I use now. So I might, end up with less pills overall. So I'm excited by that.

I'm looking forward to a new energy, I'll likely feel too. And this is a good time for it, the end of the year is coming. Wish me luck!

So, yesterday, at long last, I actually felt good. I even was energized, and got lots of stuff done. Yay! So much to do before moving up with my hubby, and I miss him so much. But more days like this will be awesome.

The day before was a decent day too, mostly because I felt better as well. I'm not sure what the actual cause is, but I have been taking antibiotics to make sure that tooth heals, as well as the jaw hinge area, on my own, and I think it was needed. There is nothing that hurts quite like tooth pain. And it can be maddening and make you react very primal. At one point, I wanted to rip my jaw off, it hurt so much. If I didn't have pain meds... I have no clue what I would have done, it was hurting that bad. But days like this afterwards...makes it feel like you never had that pain.

Went to our local Requiem game where Carthian Law was instituted. One of the more interesting games. Oddly this weekend, our perceptions of first and third weekends here go by Fridays, versus Miami's perceptions of second and fourth weekends based on Saturdays, both coincide this month, since the month started on a Saturday. But I won't be able to make Miami's inaugural Changeling game, with their Requiem game to happen later tonight.

This is Forsaken weekend, where I drive north up to Cocoa Beach area, to game with FL-005-D We Bleed Peace, formerly called Isle of the Red Tide. It's an awesome game run by a great ST, and populated with all those old Garou players I used to drive up twice a month to RP with. And they run their games late in the weekend, starting with Requiem tonight, Changeling starting 11am Sunday, with the much desired and anticipated Forsaken game in the late afternoon to evening.

Its such an awesome group of players, and such a fun game. Its amazing the difference a good ST and enthusiastic group of players make to a game. This is why I still play Mage and Forsaken, when our local games both died completely. Never be discouraged if your local group doesn't play a venue, somewhere someone does, and its always worth it.

So a good posting for once. Hope everyone had a good weekend too.

So 2 hours more up this morning, 3 total trips getting rid of what I stupidly took without thinkng, much less even waking up enough to see how I actually felt. But pain will do that to you.

I now know how nasty tasting my medicines are (along with some tummy acid I'm sure). I couldn't even keep down 1/2 a saltine Cracker and sip of water for almost an hour, it tried to come up. Then slept more, then ate the other 1/2 saltine, and no more water... and slept another hour, then ate the other cracker in that package, with another sip of water... and that stayed down.

Finally got up about 11:30, yeah only about 4 real hours sleep, my jaw is so tight, my tummy still iffy but I've eaten 3 more packs of 2 crackers so... And drunk 1/2 a glass of milk and some water.

3pm I have OB GYN appt about my weird problem in that arena, I hope my bad night wont' affect it.

OK trying something different, a little distraction from the weight of RL things. The Gods know I've been talking about my brothers death enough for a while now, so here's an attempt at something different. So I figured I'd share some shopping savings that likely most anyone can get, at least this week.
( Read more )

So to save eyes, and Friends lists, I've put under a LJ Cut, the simple text of an email my dad's second wife sent out to everyone in the family she had email addresses for. I'm so offended, I'm going to confront her on this. I was so offended I made sure my sister (in law), my brothers wife, did NOT get this POS email. (And this is the second email in 2 days to be... in bad taste I've gotten this week... whats going on? I have no clue.)

Please note, there were long "Scroll down to see the next piece" in between each set of words, I condensed it down into a bit over a page (it was like 12 pages originally plus HTML formatting and obnoxious Text Colors on Black) but you can see the words below:

( Please, feel free to share your comments about this in comments... )

So yeah... just Wow... Srsly... Srsly just wrong... (second time in two days)

I know its dumb, but I've just watched the memorial show dedicated to Billy Mays Jr, and I'm crying again. The well known pitchman died on June 28th at 50, my brother was found dead June 24th, and was 48.

But its like its a shared grief. Some of the things said, how he won't be forgotten, ring so deep, so true for my brother too, I can't help the tears. Times like this, I almost want to hate being so passionate, because I can be so easy to make cry, and its hard to stop the flood, till the emotions at last ebb.

But its good to let it out, and then you'll have a few days of almost normalcy, days where the tears are less, and the grief is in remission. The sorrow tests our mettle, and the depth of our love, and the tears are simply an outward sign.

My family may be disfunctional in its ways, but we still love each other... we just don't share it much. Perhaps, we will learn to, from this. I hope we do.

And I hope few of my friends will ever know this flavor of sadness. To them, I will try to only share smiles and good times.

( Things are progressing. )
And I'll be ok...

It is done... we contracted a funeral home to cremate my brother.

I've been speaking with my sister, and yesterday we made a date to go visit the final choices on the funeral home today. So at noon, she called me and confirmed we'd go to see the places, and we went.

The first place was ok, but the funeral director didn't show, was still back at the other location. We got a price list, and some information, and was sent to that location. After talking for a bit out in the car, we decided to go see the low price place instead.

And it was nice. Very clean, simple, and best of all, it felt good there. The first place at best was... empty, vapid even. This place felt comforting, caring, and best of all, nice people, no question was a bother, to the opposite, they are open about all the extra charges for Medical Examiner Fees, document costs, etc. And they were fine with doing it all our way, it wasn't an imposition like some places made it feel. And for our needs, for just the basic services, we got just what we needed.

My brother had died, and was not found for many days. We had no option for a viewing, and no need for a casket ceremony, which isn't our families way anyway. Our family does cremation, and that is all we need or want. Beyond the basic service to pick up his body from the ME's and cremate it, we don't need more. My sister will have a Catholic Mass for him, he wasn't religious, but she and the kids are, to some degree, and it will let the family attend and celebrate his life, and mourn his death together.

Due to the circumstances of his death, the Medical Examiners office had to do both an autopsy and try to identify him as required by law. Well a positive ID did not work by finger prints, and I don't know what other ways they tried, but I know it ended up needing to be done by dental records, but this took time. Friday night I think is when they were at long last done with the process.

He was found June 24th, so almost a month, 4 weeks to ID him positively. And the bloodwork is a 3 month time frame still in process. Till then, his official cause of death will be listed as *pending* on his death certificate, so still more waiting. But at least, in a week, we can have death certificates, and are now planning his service. Likely the end of the month for the mass, thats our tentative date.

But for now, the hardest part is past. And the end is in sight.

So, most immediate, was a horribly sick, bad night, last night. Not sure what I did except have a very busy, very filled day, where I didn't eat enough, but that doesn't normally cause me such issues like this. Super sick headache, super nausea, and then weak from it all, and so much bad, all night. Could hardly read or type, it was an effort unto itself. And it didn't get better as the night went on, till I went to bed early.

Today was "The day after" such a bad day and night. And it was another busy day, and part of me never wanted to leave my bed, but the days events weren't going to allow that. I made sure to eat, I still feel "off" and I'm sure my vitamins are even more needed. I hate feeling 'fragile' but I'm wondering if that bug I felt trying to come on (the same as Rae's) really was behind this. But the days over, and I don't have much I can get done tonight, and frankly can use the Rest.

Also tonight, hubby had a sight issue, a wavering of the right side of his vision, followed by a headache, and while his boss told him it just a migraine, my hubby hasn't gotten them before. Also he didn't describe that level of pain. But the eye problem resolved before too long, and I called my doctor here (ours actually, he's been there before) and so long as its resolved, they said he didn't need emergency care. I also had him check his BP at the pharmacy, and while I'm not happy at the numbers, they are low enough to not have me send him to the ER, and instead found him a good doctor practice in MD (affiliated with Johns Hopkins) so I have him going to the doctor hopefully tomorrow, or ASAP.

Things with my family continue. By odd chance, someone I met as a result of a cammy friends death, has at least a temporary job to last till the end of the year. Her company does medical billing. This is something my Sister (in law) used to do, and I've passed her along the info.

With any luck, this could even lead to a full time job, and as its somethings she's done before, it won't be hard or a brand new thing to learn, so likely less stress and difficulty in the long run. I just know her unemployment benefits will run out at some point, and with my brothers death, and no insurance, she will need some kind of job, before long.

Word came, at long last, that by tomorrow they expect to have my brother positively ID'd based on Dental Records. This means at long last, his body can be released from the Medical Examiners office, and cremated. My sister is now doing about 2 calls a day, before the emotional toll just becomes too much. My foot work has helped her immensely too, and I'm glad to know. My ability to call, and gather information, helps her when she can deal with things...and things don't see quite so much out of control.

What I don't understand is why my family doesn't call her. I'm almost the only one to call her, and talk. And thats something she needs, and even I need. Death is hard on all of us. But it should bring us together as a family.

My niece turns 16 Friday, and at my urging, my Sister will take the weekend to just be with her kids, and celebrate her birthday. It can't be easy to have just lost your father, just before his birthday, just before your birthday. And they miss their dad.

I'll be over there and then game is this weekend locally, with Saturday being a memorial service for Carley that I'm planning to attend. This will be an emotional weekend. I hope everyone elses is calm.

I returned home relatively uneventfully on Monday morning, but my roommate Roger, who I let borrow my car (Till we get his car at last registered in his name) was sent down to Miami with his new job, to do some on-site work. Rachel who's sick as a dog, was home, and I got her to come pick me up, but I was very worried by how sick she sounded.

The ride home, well I didn't let Rachel know how bad she sounded, I let her just concentraited on driving home, while I find out how her sick has been running. Rae was in the hospital last year, for a bad respiratory infection and her initial very bad attack of Asthma. Now a very bad, sudden onset cold, has her Asthma in full raging swing. Worst part: her last Albuterol inhaler, was empty! Yep all at the worst time to happen. And sh's been coughing so much, and so long, her ribs are killing her with pain, so she's not breathing as deep. If I wasn't here, she would need to go to the ER.

Once home, I listened to her lungs, they weren't too bad, no gurgling. So I started her on an intensive hour of treatments. Albuterol to get her breathing to calm down, open up the breathing passages and improve her lung function and likely her oxygen saturation. Then an "Allergy Sinus" medicine that I like, because it has a good antihistimine to help dry you up, as well as a good amount of decongenstant to help get the crap out of your lungs, and the bit of tylonal in it would help her painful sides from over coughing. Then a steroid based inhaler, and some good ol' fashioned Steam therapy, brought her relief and kept her good.

Then some crazy with my family, well my Sister. Still no word at first, on my brothers body being released. Then we had a good long talk the next day, where she vented and got out her frustrations, as well as I found a few new details I could help with, some more calls, and quotes and emails. Then got the indigent paperwork from the county, and a very nice call from the Indigent Coordinator. She's very nice and understanding.

Then Yesterday, very busy, early Dentist Appt for a Cleaning turned into also getting 4 little fillings, for 3 little cavities and one sorta chip thing. Then home, and then a frantic call from my Sister (in law) whose car wouldn't start, she thought it was the battery. She's freaking out, its upset her day, her schedule of things to get done (which she still has days she can't do stuff, since my brothers death almost 3 weeks ago) and her worry about being trapped at home without a working car.

I drove over immediately as she was really stressed and let her vent, while we try jumping her car, check the battery (it seemed ok) the Starter was working very well... had her try pumping the gas pedal, etc, still no go. My brother in law (eldest sisters hubby) is a mechanic, and finally called back while i was there. He thought it was the fuel pump and would be over in an hour, so I left, picked up the roommate Roger from his new job and got home in time to cook and all.

And today just is Blah. Woke up early-ish... but felt so tired... not feeling good at all, achy, sore, bliggy... and as much extra energy as I had yesterday, I'm wiped out today, from the start. But I'll see what I can do to make it feel better, but its not good. :(

It went well, all things considered.

The gathering of my brothers belonging, personal effects, records, computers, and all the items his life had become, was as hard as expected, but it was accomplished with a steady progress. The movers arrived half an hour after the call to meet them at the apartment my brother was living in, the same apartment he died in.

There was no smell, just a powder, used to clean and deodorize and purify the area a life had ended quietly. Maybe I'm strange for thinking of things in such a way, I have a certain pragmatism for Death, but its because I understand Death. I have long thought about it, and wrestled with myself, and my own mind, and found peace at long last in my faith as a Pagan.

Death is a natural part of life, and is not to be feared. The Dead are to be loved, and remembered, and prayed for, talked to, and thought of often. And the rituals of death are there to comfort the living, and help us find closure in something that makes little or no sense.

There is a calm sense of accomplishment now, now that my brothers apartment is properly vacated, its even clean enough to rent right away. And its good to know his things, are stored safely, not at the house with his family, but not far away either.

The important things, the computers, all his records, and mail and such, those are now at the house with my Sister, his widow. And our next step is switching everything over to her sole name.

And yet, his body is still not released, as positive ID has not happened yet, as far as the governemental body of the Broward County Coroners Office is concerned.

Next to come, soon as I'm back in SoFla, is applying for the indigent cremation service by the county. And I hope my sister and the kids qualify, because saving even 650 dollars, is important, likely almost a whole months mortgage payment.

And we have to discuss Food Stamps (EBT cards as they go by now), Social Security Death Benefits and Welfare possibilities. And its never easy to discuss such things, even without the grief of losing your husband. Our family doesn't like handouts. We are perhaps a bit too proud, or too optimistic. We'll have to see how things work out.

Times like this we pray, and trust the Gods to guide us to the right path.

I miss my brother.